Swine Flu: The Disease That Nearly Killed A Friendship
A while back Swine Flu was a big enough scare on my campus that administrators just took your word on whether or not you had it and let you stay home. While the Ferris Bueller in me wanted to take advantage of this to hijack a parade, my immune system had other plans. Oh also, I spent the entirety of the time in my friend Kaleb’s room annoying the shit out of him.
Year: 2010
Location: Delta Kappa Epsilon (Kaleb’s room, mostly)
Day 1
Kalid enters the house and finds Kaleb slumped over the toilet. A few others are standing around watching Kaleb puke with apprehension before walking away in revulsion. Kalid, being the generous (and handsome) man that he is, tries to assist Kaleb.
Kalid: Hey bro, you okay?
Kaleb: Fuck you.
Kalid: Oh, well do you want anything?
Kaleb: I want to stop throwing up.
Kalid: Well duh.
Kaleb: That’s a punch
Day 2
Kaleb is laying on his couch covered in a blanket watching reruns of the African American sitcom “The Game”. A bucket lies next to him and a roll of paper towels is on the table beside him. Half hearted chuckles can be heard coming from his room all through the first floor. Kalid barges in the room (like a dick) to find Kaleb’s sprawled body staring at the television.
Kalid: I take it you didn’t go to school today?
Kaleb: Uh uh. Still sick.
Kalid: Did you take anything for it? I was going to get you some soup but I didn’t. My bad.
Kaleb: Go away.
Kalid leaves the room and is about to head home when a sickly feeling overcomes him. Within five seconds Kalid is on his knees over the toilet “pulling a Kaleb”. Since the bathroom is right next to Kaleb’s room and Kalid didn’t shut the door (again, like a dick) Kaleb can’t hear all of the “jokes” on his show.
Kaleb: You pukin?
Kalid: Yeah.
Kaleb: Heh heh.
Kalid: Are you laughing?
Kaleb: Yep.
Kalid: Why?
Kaleb: You sound like a girl when you puke.
Day 3
Kaleb is still laying in his bed watching the same show, even though there’s only like three seasons of it and he hasn’t gone to bed for more than 3 hours. In the futon next to him Kalid is huddled in a blanket with a wastebasket beside him. Kalid begins to make a noise that can only be compared to E.T. climaxing into a broken vacuum hose. Kaleb shoots Kalid an angry look.
Kalid: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Sniff. Sniff. Sniff.
Kaleb: What. The. Fuck.
Kalid: I think I’m dying dude. I think this is really it. Uhhhhhhhh. Sniff.
Kaleb: You’ve only been sick for like five hours.
Kalid: I feel like my head is giving birth to the dad from Family Matters.
Kaleb throws the roll of paper towels at Kalid. The paper towels miss Kalid and fly over the futon.
Kalid: You missed
Kaleb: That’s a punch.
Kalid: Because you missed?
Kaleb: Because you suck.
Kalid: Sniff.
Two hours later the two invalids are in an even worse condition. Kaleb has switched to adult swim re-runs as watching the same two black people make fun of the less black guy has finally gotten old. Kalid is still making that noise which has evolved into a cat giving birth over a Ke$ha song being played backwards at half speed.
Kaleb: Why are you still making that fucking noise?
Kalid: I can’t breathe out of my nose and I think my asthma is acting up. Can I use your inhaler?
Kaleb: No, you’re sick.
Kalid: I have the same flu as you.
Kaleb: No you don’t. I have the swine flu, you have a cold and you’re being a bitch.
Kalid: I threw up!
Kaleb: You always throw up. Freaking gross.
Kalid. Sniff.
Day 4
Kaleb’s girlfriend has arrived to take care of him and has brought over some movies.
Kaleb’s GF: How are you doing baby?
Kalid: Sniff.
Kaleb: Okay I guess. My stomach is less—
Kalid: Sniff.
Kaleb: Fucking Kalid.
Kaleb’s GF: I brought a movie we can watch.
Kalid: What movie?
Kaleb’s GF: The Soloist.
Kalid: Seen it. Jamie Fox tries way too hard to win the audience’s sympathy. Sniff.
Kaleb throws a paper towel at Kalid and it hits him in the head.
Kalid: Dick. Sniff.
Kaleb: That’s a punch.
Kalid: Worth it.
Kaleb: That’s another.
Kalid: Isn’t it enough that you got me sick?
Kaleb: I definitely didn’t get you sick.
Kalid: How do you know that?
Kaleb: My germs would kick the shit out of you.
Kalid: Is that your medical opinion?
Kaleb: That’s my “fuck you” opinion.
Kaleb’s girlfriend has brought some medicine from the clinic to treat Kaleb. Kaleb takes two pills. Kalid asks for a pill and Kaleb tells him to get his own girlfriend if he wants to get over the flu. Kalid makes the noise again and Kaleb kicks him out.
The next day both guys make a full recovery and Kaleb makes good on all of the punches he promised. To this day it is still not clear how Kaleb could take pride in being “sicker” than Kalid, but if you ask him about those harrowing days on the couch he will always say the same thing, “Thank God I don’t have to hear that fucking noise again.”